It’s my party……

I warned you.  I’ve been fighting this thing for a while now and I feel I’m getting closer and closer to a meltdown.  So, it’s my pitty party and I’ll b*tch if I want to.  🙂

 Sorry, I’m trying to find some humor in it.

In all honestly, I feel like I am having one huge case of PMS……times like a million.  The thing is I’m not anywhere close to that time of the month.  I’ve been like this for a couple of weeks now.  It is becoming more and more overwhelming.  The anxiety and anger is just too much.  I hate feeling this way.

I have to tell you that this post is very toned down compared to what I was wanting to write earlier.  I don’t cuss much.  Maybe a sh*t here or a damn there, but just an hour ago every single sentence that entered my head was filled with much worse.

I have this mixture of anger (mostly at myself), sadness, frustration, and guilt.  Let’s break it down.

You know since before Christmas it seems like we have had a rash of illness in our family.  I don’t know a family who hasn’t.  I think this may have led me to a bit of depression.  Just knowing your children feel bad is enough to eat at you but add that to the mounding medical bills and the fact that I have to work and have to worry about who is going to watch the kids just down right pisses me off.  I’ve never had a wealth of vacation and sick leave since I’ve had this job.  Only a month after I got the job I found out I was pregnant with Lil’ Bum.  I’ve been lucky in that we can accept donated leave from colleagues which allowed me to have 8 weeks of maternity leave with both children.  Other than that, which was a big part in my absence of leave, the fact that my children need to be cared for and I feel like that should be by me has left me with minimal accrued leave.

The whole paragraph above just grates at my nerves.  A mother should be able to raise her own children.  They shouldn’t have to pay someone else as much as $900 a month to raise their children (I know people who pay more).  The guilt I feel from the above statement is more than I can bear.  I can only wonder if when I became pregnant with Lil’ Bum had I been more mature and understanding of the responsibilities of a mother could I have cut us back to the point that I could be home right now.  What can I do different?  Why are there not more ways for a woman to work from home?  Why does health-care have to be so effing expensive?  I truly think I could make it work if Mr. Bum’s employer didn’t charge over $600/month for family coverage.  How the hell is a family supposed to adjust to only 1 income when they have to add such an outrageous expense.

I CAN’T HANDLE TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF PRIORITY #1 (FAMILY AND HOME) AND WORKING OUTSIDE OF THE HOME AT THE SAME TIME.

Last week was hell.  Up at 5:30am, getting ready for work, dressing the kids and gathering their belongings, go to work, at lunch don’t eat just run errands, leave work and pick up the kids, try to keep the house from being a pig sty, fixing some type of nourishment, try to spend time with the kids, bathe them tuck them in do laundry, organize tax sh*t (still not done), help Mr. Bum with computer related things, take care of small animals, plan b-day, go to bed, get up in the middle of the night to feed baby 1-2 times per night.  Get up and do it all OVER AGAIN.

I really only have enough time and energy to take care of the kids and home.  It’s exhausting.  I’ve tried many things to try to make money at home.  I am not a MLM.  No offense but it takes a certain type of person and that person is not me.   I’m not a computer programmer, I am trying to learn but I don’t know enough to make money off of it.  You have to have experience to do transcription at home which I do not.

I AM JUST SO FREAKING SICK OF IT ALL.  I HATE THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

 Now comes the added note about guilt.  When I am feeling especially sorry for myself in this way I often feel guilty.  I know there is always someone who has it worse.  I know there are people who have really sucky jobs, and don’t have nice (not extravagant) 4 year old houses and land and horses and nurse cows.  I know there are those who can’t afford to run their child to the doctor when he his coughs worsens and they learn that RSV is started in his school again.  I know there are mothers who can’t leave their jobs at a moments notice if their child is sick and who aren’t afforded the luxury of an 8 week maternity leave.

Now I know some of that may leave you thinking, “Well Momma Bum, if you have those luxuries why can’t you afford to stay home?”  All I can say is that there is a fine line.  A very fine line.

I hope my rant hasn’t scared anyone off.  I really do feel a bit better.  Just a little bit.  Any relief is very welcome so bare with me please.

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Published in: on February 12, 2008 at 3:04 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. I know all about that fine line. We walked it for a long time. Then finally gave in and I am at home. But that was after moving to a plave with lower cost of living expenses. It is hard hard hard to juggle everything and make the bills pay themselves so that I can stay at home. Of course, I don’t think i could make enough around here to pay for daycare for 2 and still bring anything home.

    Don’t feel guilty for being angry and upset. Yes, someone is always worse off. But your feelings are still valid. It is ok for you to feel this way.

    I wish I had some advice for you. It’s a tough thing having to raise family and work, too. DH and I are without healthcare and the kids are on Medicaid. If not for that we would be right where you are at.

    Deep breaths. I am sending you cosmic hugs!!!


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